Holy Crap. 2014 is kicking my ass. I have been on the verge of tears or in tears since the calendar (or my phone-let's be honest, we don't have a calendar to actually flip) flipped over to 2014. I have actually had this post on my heart since the 1st but this is the first time I felt I could write it without crying my eyes out. You're thinking what is wrong with you?! A new year, a new start, a year full of opportunity. Sure it is all of those things, 2014 has so much to offer my family and yes, I am truly excited about that but I need time to
s l o w d o w n.
2014 is the year that my first born is going to kindergarten. I am not sure I am going to be able to handle that. I know people send kids to school all the time but I am not sure he is going. Maybe I will just keep him at home with me. I always joke with Michael that Hutchinson is never going to school, but maybe it is Finnean that I am not going to let out of the house. Why is it so hard to let these babies grow up? Why does time go SO fast? I feel like we
just sent Finnean to preschool for the very first time and now he can't stop talking about what he is going to take to kindergarten. Maybe I don't want him to be around somebody but me all day, maybe I like being the one who teaches him cool things, maybe I want to protect him a little longer, from the bullies, or being stressed by school, or from learning all kinds of naughty words or becoming even more sassy from gaining more independence. Five seems SO young to be at school all day. Okay, he will be well on his way to being a six year old, but really...all day long, without my Finnean. I think most of all I am just scared. Scared something will happen to him and I won't be there. Or scared that I haven't prepared him, given him the tools he needs to handle himself at school all day. I think most of all I don't want him to lose his innocence, I don't want him to want to stop wanting to play Legos for hours or I don't want him to WANT everything, just because his little friends have it. I just want him to be protected. Heck, maybe I am scared I am not going to know how to respond when those tough things come up. Not going to be able to handle the hard stuff when the time comes.
I know, deep down that is going to be great. I know that he will be ready. I know that he will make friends and that he will learn so many new things. I know he will become more independent and I know he will learn how to deal with being hurt. He will learn how to deal with so many new situations. I know he will gain so many skills, I know he will be awesome. BUT WHY!?!?! Why does he have to be so old? Can't I just keep him little forever?
"The days are long but the years are short." That is what has been sticking my head. Some days are SO hard but I don't want to wish them away. I want to soak them up and learn from them, so I can be a better mom the next day.
So, here's to 2014 being the year of adventure. Making the most of our time before school starts. I know, I know, stop being a drama queen, school starts in EIGHT months but it will be here before we know it. So here's to extra snuggles, reading more books, being better at teaching hard lessons and playing Legos for hours. Here's to extra walks and bike rides this summer and more adventures to the park. Here's to getting him to eat more than peanut butter sandwiches for lunch (I think he might starve at school with no peanut butter). Here's to more laughing and less grumping, to more trips to the zoo to ride the train, more science experiments, more baking together. Here's to not worrying about sending him to kindergarten and soaking him up. Here's to letting him gain independence and explore on his own. Here's to making memories. So listen up 2014, we are about to kick your ass.
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Why would I want to send him to school, just look at that smile.
This was taken just after he asked me if I wanted to snuggle him. Absolutely, little buddy, absolutely. |
