three years.

It is hard to believe that my mom has been gone for three years.  Sometimes I feel like it was yesterday that we driving back and forth to Ottumwa while she was in Hospice, waiting for the call that she died and other times it feels like I haven't talked to her forever.  I think that is what I miss the most.  The phone calls.  We usually could chat and laugh on the phone and I really miss that. Towards the end of her life we really didn't get along very well, I don't think we ever got along beautifully but it was hard those last 5 years because she was really sick. I don't want it to sound like we never got along but we had a strained relationship.  My mom died as a result of her addiction to alcohol.  When someone suffers from an addiction, they put that drug ahead of all other things and that makes for some tough relationships.  I am not writing this post to harp on my mom or blame or to be mad at her or to cause hurt someone who is reading it.  I am writing it to maybe help someone, maybe someone reading this drinks too much or has someone in their life that does or suffers from some sort of mental illness.  I want people to know that it is hard.  No matter what side of the coin you are on, mental illness and addiction are two of the toughest things a person can deal with.  There is hurt, sadness, disappointment, anger, jealousy, irrational thoughts and so much more...for all people involved.  I have been working on forgiving my mom for a long time.  It felt like she took away so many things from me and my family but she didn't, her disease did.  It is a real thing, addiction and it is incredibly powerful.  I hope that you can offer some help, or a listening ear or ask someone for help if you find yourself struggling with something like this.  It isn't easy, it is incredibly hard.  I just want people of both sides of the matter to know that they are not alone.  There are people out there that want to help you and want to support you, you just have to let them. 

I just had some of the wisest words spoken to me this past week.  They went something like this.  Forgive.  Holding that anger only hurts you.  Hardens your heart.  Forgiveness is hard but holding on to that anger is harder and is detrimental to your living.  When someone asked about "forgiving and forgetting" the response was to forgive but not to forget.  If we forget, then it erases part of our past.  If we forget everything that was bad in our lives, we would not be the people we are today. 

This about knocked me out of my chair.  I was still holding on to that anger at my mom for taking away X, Y, Z from me.  Even if it is just a little bit of anger, it was holding me back.  When really I just needed to forgive her fully.  Let it be done.  Remember that it isn't always about me and that she wasn't trying to hurt me or the people around her intentionally.  She was sick, so sick and it was not my fault.  Maybe because my heart doesn't feel as hard, that is why I am writing this post.  I don't know for sure but I don't want to hide the reason why my mom died.  I don't want to be angry and I most of want to spread the word that alcoholism is a real disease. 

I also want to share that you can make your past, make you a stronger person.  If my mom wouldn't have died, it is highly likely that I would still be working at a job that stressed me to the max and kept me from raising my baby at home.  I would drink more.  I would be less compassionate.  I wouldn't have been able to be there for my friends who have lost their parents like I was.  I highly doubt I would be as involved in my church that I am now.  I might not appreciate life as much as I do.  I might struggle with getting older, instead I am thankful for having another year on this beautiful Earth with my amazing family.  I might not be as good as a mom that I am.  There are so many things that I don't know but I do know one thing for sure.  I do not want to take this life for granted.  I want to be there and I want to be present.  I want to live life and go on adventures and soak up sunsets.  I want to play with my boys and teach them to have kind hearts.  I want to make messes and go on dates with my husband.  I want to laugh until my cheeks hurt and I just want to live.  I am so thankful that I have another day to live.  Please don't take this as I am glad she is gone, that is not the case.  I would give anything to talk to her again but that is not a possibility right now.  I often wonder about the "what ifs" but that is a hard world to live in.  So, I choose to be grateful and fill my heart to love.  It is hard and I wish I could say that I felt like that all the time, I don't.  But a lot of the time I do and for that I am grateful. 

So if you have made it to the end of this incredibly long and sappy post, thank you.  Thank you for listening.  I hope you choose to forgive someone that has hurt you in your life.  I hope you choose to have gratitude in your life and most of all, I hope you offer to help someone if they need it.  If you do, I really hope that they are willing to accept it.  If you are on the other end of the stick, I hope that you are at a point in your life that you are willing to be helped.  It is hard. It is so, so hard but I think that what is on the other side is so worth it.  We are worth it.  Everyone deserves a chance to live life to the fullest.   And thank you to all the people that I have in my life that have supported me through these past years.  I can't begin to say how much it means to me and how much of impact it has had on my life.  You know who you are and thank you. 

This is one of my favorite pictures ever of my mom and me.  Pinning a handkerchief of my great-grandmother's(???-I know it is old) to the inside of my wedding dress.  This was a day that was full of happy memories.  I loved seeing her eyes well up with tears and just seeming so proud of me.  The other day that is burnt in my mind is when she saw me try on my wedding dress for the first time.  I can still see her smile.