Love without conditions.

"And still, after all this time, the Sun has never said to the Earth, "You owe me."  Look what happens with love like that.  It lights up the sky." -Rumi 

My sweet cousin shared this quote on her instagram today and I just needed to hear it.  I swear that we have some sort of unwritten knowledge of each other's heart.  I am not sure what Rumi intended it to mean but to me it says that love that is unconditional is so great.  My sweet, sassy, back talking, not listening four and half year old tested  my unconditional love today.  He was so disrespectful to me today that I lost it and yelled like crazy at him.  I HATE when I lose it.  Nothing makes me feel worse as a parent.  My patience was out the window and I had no ability to get control over my emotions.  He was screaming at me and I could only take it for so long.  He would not go away from me when I told him I needed a break---escalating both of us even more.  Poor, sweet Hutchinson just sat and played Legos and then read books.  He probably thought we were freaking crazy.  I thought we were freaking crazy.  Nothing makes my heart hurt more than the regret I have after yelling at him.  I know that I am not a perfect parent but goodness, I don't like that I made him feel so crappy.  Ahhh, the guilt.  We were able to talk to Michael and that calmed us both down and we both promptly fell asleep.  Thank goodness, we obviously needed some rest!

I had a friend tell me once that opportunities like today, give us a chance to show our children how to apologize and be humbled.  So, today I had that opportunity to tell Finnean how I felt and how I was sorry and that I know it must have made him feel really yucky.  Sometimes I dislike that I am so emotional and that I wear my heart on my sleeve but I really wouldn't want to change that for anything.  Sure, it brings it's challenge and especially brings challenges when it comes to parenting an emotional child but I wouldn't trade it for the way I get to see the world.  For me, I love walking through this life, soaking up all the details with my crazy emotions.  It makes it interesting and I am always learning how to be a good emotional parent.  I want him to know that it is okay to cry
 and that it is okay to be angry.  We are always working on how we can get centered when we feel that way.  We are working that yelling doesn't help and that we have to work as a team.  We are working on it.

As much as I don't like him being disrespectful and as much as I don't like me yelling at him, it gave me a chance to show him my unconditional love.  I was able to tell him how much I love him and no matter what or how mad he makes me...I will always love him.  Who knows if he understands at all or if he just knows that I yelled at him.  Either way, I was able to show him that we make mistakes and it is okay to say you are sorry and that I love him always, without conditions.